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tiptoe39This is for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
speccygeekgrrl for her CEO day at ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
heroes_exchange. It's so freaking wrong I don't even know where to start.
Oh, wait, yes I do. At the beginning.
Once upon a time, many years ago, there was a little Petrelli, and he was very sad, for his mother and father were both totally bad-ass and manipulative. Before the prince appeared a traveling scientist, riding upon a white horse. The scientist gently wiped the tears from the prince's eyes.
"Little one," he said, "who bears up alone in such deep sorrow, never lose that strength or nobility, even when you grow up. We will meet again. This ring will lead you to me one day."
This was all well and good, but so impressed was the little Petrelli by him that he vowed to become a superhero one day and save the world. But was that really such a good idea?
Revolutionary Boy Peter
Episode One
Scene One
[CLAIRE waits by the side of the road.]
GIRLS: You're gonna be late for school.
CLAIRE: I'm waiting for my uncle.
GIRL: Your 'uncle'? He dumped you. I just saw him near the main school building.
CLAIRE: Whaa? I'll kill him!
[She dashes off.]
Scene Two
[Meanwhile, PETER is driving a schoolmarm crazy by showing up at school in a nurse's uniform.]
PETER: I've checked the rules, and all it says is I have to wear a uniform! So we're all covered.
SCHOOLMARM: But did you have to choose the "naughty nurse" uniform from the hentai next door?
NATHAN: (walking by) Hellooooo, nurse!
PETER: Who are you?
NATHAN: I'm Nathan, president of the student council here at Suresh Academy. Allow me to kiss your hand, fair one...
[He does, and, noticing PETER's ring, steps back, shocked.]
NATHAN: What's this?
PETER: It's just a ring I've had for a long time.
NATHAN: It's a Godsend Seal! This is ... unexpected. I'll have to consult the student council....
[He backs away. PETER tries to follow, but then he is glomped by CLAIRE.]
CLAIRE: Peter! How could you leave alone like this? You know I love you more than anyone else! I'd die for you! I'd cut off my own toe for you! I'd jump from oil rigs for you! I'd--
[But PETER shakes her off, having just seen the roses growing near the greenhouse outside. He heads out of a door with the same Godsend symbol as his ring.]
Scene Three
[PETER stands outside the greenhouse, watching a dark-skinned, dark-haired man who is using it as a lab. He fills beakers and tests out syringes. As he watches, SYLAR appears and enters the greenhouse to talk to the man.]
PETER: Oh, God, the fanfic was right.
[SYLAR gets angry and the next thing PETER knows, the boy is on the ceiling.]
PETER: That is SO not on. Hey, you! Cut that shit out!
[He charges at the greenhouse.]
SYLAR: Mohinder's mine, and I'll do what I want with him. [To prove it, he starts sliding Mohinder around on the ceiling.]
PETER: That's just wrong. If he's gonna be on the ceiling, it should be because he injected himself with some of this crap and gave himself superpowers.
SYLAR: (laughs), Oh, Mohinder can never be the Superhero. He's the Rose Sidekick.
PETER: The *what?*
[SYLAR rolls his eyes. Obviously PETER is clueless about something integral to the plot again.]
PETER: In any case, I won't let you treat people like that.
SYLAR: Are you challenging me?
PETER: And if I am?
SYLAR: Then I'll see you on the Dueling Rooftop after school. Bye, sucker!
Scene Four
[The Student Council is meeting. NATHAN, class president is joined by SYLAR, the vice president and a pretty scummy guy; NIKI, the mild-mannered skinny one with the hobag twin sister, and HRG, who's too mature for this shit and is still lusting after his old partner, who has long since disappeared. Yes, it's a Noah/Claude reference. Hot shit!]
NATHAN: If the chick doesn't break out of its egg, it will die without being born.
SYLAR: We are the chick. The world is our egg.
NIKI: The hell you're a chick. Beat these legs, hairy.
HRG: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll smash the world, blah blah. Can I go home now? It's my night to do the laundry.
[HRG hurries us along to...]
Scene Five
[PETER is standing in front of the elevator banks.]
PETER: The elevators go to the roof? Seriously? What is this, Willy Wonka's chocolate factory?
[But then the elevator doors open and reveal a spiral staircase, which PETER ascends as a ghostly chorus sings a completely incomprehensible song.]
GHOSTLY CHORUS:
The absolute destiny eclipse
The absolute destiny eclipse
Plot holes, shoddy continuity, deus ex machina
A pair of Dominican twins in Mexico
Lots of inappropriate chemistry
Two brothers turning to each other
Lots of inappropriate touching
Sodomy in the dark
Threesome in the dark
PWP in the dark
Canon lost in the dark
The absolute destiny eclipse
[PETER is still trying to understand the damn lyrics when SYLAR comes up, with MOHINDER in tow, wearing a really gaudy scarf.]
PETER: You shouldn't let him kick you around like that.
MOHINDER: I am the Rose Sidekick. My job is to do whatever the Superhero wants me to. And mostly that's standing around looking pretty and occasionally narrating something at the beginning of the episode.
[PETER scrolls up to try and tell if MOHINDER gave the opening spiel, but the author isn't telling, no way!]
PETER: Whatever. I just have to beat his ass, right?
[Long story short, PETER and SYLAR fight while the ghostly chorus sings another incomprehensible song. In the end, SYLAR's down for the count.]
MOHINDER: You are now the Superhero. That makes me your Rose Sidekick. We will move in with you tomorrow and I'll do whatever you say.
PETER: Sw33t, dubcon... wait, did you say "we"?
MOHINDER: Yes. Me and Hiro.
[A very strange ratlike thing is sitting on MOHINDER's shoulder.]
HIRO: CHUUU!!
~hopefully, to never, ever, ever be continued~
speccygeekgrrl for her CEO day at heroes_exchange. It's so freaking wrong I don't even know where to start.Oh, wait, yes I do. At the beginning.
Once upon a time, many years ago, there was a little Petrelli, and he was very sad, for his mother and father were both totally bad-ass and manipulative. Before the prince appeared a traveling scientist, riding upon a white horse. The scientist gently wiped the tears from the prince's eyes.
"Little one," he said, "who bears up alone in such deep sorrow, never lose that strength or nobility, even when you grow up. We will meet again. This ring will lead you to me one day."
This was all well and good, but so impressed was the little Petrelli by him that he vowed to become a superhero one day and save the world. But was that really such a good idea?
Revolutionary Boy Peter
Episode One
Scene One
[CLAIRE waits by the side of the road.]
GIRLS: You're gonna be late for school.
CLAIRE: I'm waiting for my uncle.
GIRL: Your 'uncle'? He dumped you. I just saw him near the main school building.
CLAIRE: Whaa? I'll kill him!
[She dashes off.]
Scene Two
[Meanwhile, PETER is driving a schoolmarm crazy by showing up at school in a nurse's uniform.]
PETER: I've checked the rules, and all it says is I have to wear a uniform! So we're all covered.
SCHOOLMARM: But did you have to choose the "naughty nurse" uniform from the hentai next door?
NATHAN: (walking by) Hellooooo, nurse!
PETER: Who are you?
NATHAN: I'm Nathan, president of the student council here at Suresh Academy. Allow me to kiss your hand, fair one...
[He does, and, noticing PETER's ring, steps back, shocked.]
NATHAN: What's this?
PETER: It's just a ring I've had for a long time.
NATHAN: It's a Godsend Seal! This is ... unexpected. I'll have to consult the student council....
[He backs away. PETER tries to follow, but then he is glomped by CLAIRE.]
CLAIRE: Peter! How could you leave alone like this? You know I love you more than anyone else! I'd die for you! I'd cut off my own toe for you! I'd jump from oil rigs for you! I'd--
[But PETER shakes her off, having just seen the roses growing near the greenhouse outside. He heads out of a door with the same Godsend symbol as his ring.]
Scene Three
[PETER stands outside the greenhouse, watching a dark-skinned, dark-haired man who is using it as a lab. He fills beakers and tests out syringes. As he watches, SYLAR appears and enters the greenhouse to talk to the man.]
PETER: Oh, God, the fanfic was right.
[SYLAR gets angry and the next thing PETER knows, the boy is on the ceiling.]
PETER: That is SO not on. Hey, you! Cut that shit out!
[He charges at the greenhouse.]
SYLAR: Mohinder's mine, and I'll do what I want with him. [To prove it, he starts sliding Mohinder around on the ceiling.]
PETER: That's just wrong. If he's gonna be on the ceiling, it should be because he injected himself with some of this crap and gave himself superpowers.
SYLAR: (laughs), Oh, Mohinder can never be the Superhero. He's the Rose Sidekick.
PETER: The *what?*
[SYLAR rolls his eyes. Obviously PETER is clueless about something integral to the plot again.]
PETER: In any case, I won't let you treat people like that.
SYLAR: Are you challenging me?
PETER: And if I am?
SYLAR: Then I'll see you on the Dueling Rooftop after school. Bye, sucker!
Scene Four
[The Student Council is meeting. NATHAN, class president is joined by SYLAR, the vice president and a pretty scummy guy; NIKI, the mild-mannered skinny one with the hobag twin sister, and HRG, who's too mature for this shit and is still lusting after his old partner, who has long since disappeared. Yes, it's a Noah/Claude reference. Hot shit!]
NATHAN: If the chick doesn't break out of its egg, it will die without being born.
SYLAR: We are the chick. The world is our egg.
NIKI: The hell you're a chick. Beat these legs, hairy.
HRG: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll smash the world, blah blah. Can I go home now? It's my night to do the laundry.
[HRG hurries us along to...]
Scene Five
[PETER is standing in front of the elevator banks.]
PETER: The elevators go to the roof? Seriously? What is this, Willy Wonka's chocolate factory?
[But then the elevator doors open and reveal a spiral staircase, which PETER ascends as a ghostly chorus sings a completely incomprehensible song.]
GHOSTLY CHORUS:
The absolute destiny eclipse
The absolute destiny eclipse
Plot holes, shoddy continuity, deus ex machina
A pair of Dominican twins in Mexico
Lots of inappropriate chemistry
Two brothers turning to each other
Lots of inappropriate touching
Sodomy in the dark
Threesome in the dark
PWP in the dark
Canon lost in the dark
The absolute destiny eclipse
[PETER is still trying to understand the damn lyrics when SYLAR comes up, with MOHINDER in tow, wearing a really gaudy scarf.]
PETER: You shouldn't let him kick you around like that.
MOHINDER: I am the Rose Sidekick. My job is to do whatever the Superhero wants me to. And mostly that's standing around looking pretty and occasionally narrating something at the beginning of the episode.
[PETER scrolls up to try and tell if MOHINDER gave the opening spiel, but the author isn't telling, no way!]
PETER: Whatever. I just have to beat his ass, right?
[Long story short, PETER and SYLAR fight while the ghostly chorus sings another incomprehensible song. In the end, SYLAR's down for the count.]
MOHINDER: You are now the Superhero. That makes me your Rose Sidekick. We will move in with you tomorrow and I'll do whatever you say.
PETER: Sw33t, dubcon... wait, did you say "we"?
MOHINDER: Yes. Me and Hiro.
[A very strange ratlike thing is sitting on MOHINDER's shoulder.]
HIRO: CHUUU!!
~hopefully, to never, ever, ever be continued~
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-09 03:01 am (UTC)OHMYFUCKINGGOD.
***FLAIL***
dude the words to absolute destiny apocalypse WHAT DID YOU DO AHAHAHAHA
Sylar=Saionji FTW! HRG = Juri = too fucking much AAAAAAH
Tippy you done gone and broke me with lulz and apt crackiness! ♥!!!
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-09 03:04 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-09 08:41 pm (UTC)....
You broke my brain.
[A very strange ratlike thing is sitting on MOHINDER's shoulder.]
HIRO: CHUUU!!
...
A lot.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-09 09:41 pm (UTC)